I haven't updated this thing in almost a year and I can't sleep so why not blog at 2 in the morning? I was tired earlier but I've just had so many things running through my head. Most of those thoughts have to do with Jon. That shouldn't be too surprising, considering I think about him every second of every day.
So Jon.... He's an absolutely wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. He is the best man I could ask for, but there is one huge down side, he lives 1243 miles away! I guess it is kind of my fault since I'm the one that left Texas to come to school in Utah, but either way long distance SUCKS! I would never ever suggest long distance to anyone. My heart has literally been ripped out of my body and is still residing back in Texas while the rest of me is here in Utah. As you can imagine, it's incredibly hard for me to function. I can never seem to concentrate on school. And it's not being helped by the fact that Provo is the engagement capital of the world! I'm surrounded by all these blissfully happy couples that are holding hands and kissing and other types of PDA and it's just not fair! And what makes it even worse is when I hear girls complain that their boyfriends are around them too much. Hey, at least he's here and you get to see him! Why do I have to be so far away from Jon? There have been a couple times when I've wondered if this whole getting an education thing is even worth being away from Jon. It is of course, but it's just so hard to concentrate on school, homework and tests when all I can think about is Jon.
I think one of the harder things, besides not actually being able to see the other person whenever I want, is having a boyfriend that doesn't even like talking on the phone. He talks on the phone with me of course because he loves me. We talk on the phone anywhere from 2 to four times a week, but I sometimes get that feeling that Jon would be totally fine if our relationship just consisted of texting and chatting on facebook. I on the other hand would not be able to handle that so of course we talk on the phone. I would probably go crazy if I didn't get to hear his voice(which is sexy according to my roommate Elicia lol) at least once every few days. And even though Jon doesn't agree, chatting on facebook or texting is not nearly the same as talking on the phone. There's just something about hearing his voice that is so much more reassuring. I think the biggest issue for me is that when I start talking to Jon I really don't ever want to get off the phone and so I end up keeping him on the phone longer than he actually wants and he is usually tired and just wants to go to sleep. You would think that I would be happy that I got my way and talked to him longer. False. Yeah I maybe happy during the time that we're actually on the phone, but then when we get off I feel guilty for keeping him up later and making him do something that he doesn't want to do. The difference in our phone conversation desires also makes me feel like I'm crazy and overly needy and I just hate feeling like that. On the other hand, if I didn't talk to him I wouldn't feel as close to him and I would probably actually go crazy. And plus I love hearing his laugh. It's sooooooo cute! That sound of disgust he sometimes makes is hilarious! lol I can't help but laugh just thinking about it right now. Then there's those butterflies I get whenever I hear him say, "I love you." And you just can't forget his voice itself. Elicia is right, my boyfriend has a sexy voice. Omg! I miss that man soooooo much! I know it's only two weeks till I get to see him but the closer it gets the more I miss him.
Well now it's on to the more vague portion of this blog post. I know I probably shouldn't even mention it but I just need somewhere to at least let some of these feelings known. So have you ever had an issue come up that you know you shouldn't worry yourself over at all? Well that's kind of where I'm at right now. Logically I think about the matter at hand and I know how the process of everything works so I shouldn't be bothered by this matter. It doesn't even really concern me in a sense. The problem here is that my heart just doesn't seem to agree with my brain on this. This is something I've known about for awhile now and when it has popped into my head it bothers me, but for the most part I just try not to think about it. Well these past few days I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I went to Smith's late tonight to get a pie for break the fast tomorrow after getting off the phone with Jon. It crept into my mind yet again and when I got back to my apartment I just sat in my car crying for about fifteen minutes. It's just a source of such emotional pain for me right now. I feel hurt, sadness, anger, resentment, and confusion all at the same time. It's just so freaking overwhelming at times! Most of what I feel is hurt and confusion. But then on top of it all I feel so incredibly guilty because this shouldn't be affecting me at all! I shouldn't be feeling this way! Can't someone just take these feelings away please! I know I should talk to Jon about all this and tell him how I feel but I feel so guilty that I just can't seem to. Talking to him last night there were a couple times when I could have said something but I just chickened out. But at least I know I'm not the only one to ever go through this. I went out to diner with a friend of mine the other night and she actually went through a similar situation and had some of the exact same feelings and thoughts as me. She suggested that I go talk to my bishop because that really helped her. I think I just might take her advice. The idea of talking to the bishop is a little scary since I don't really know him that well but I need to get over that and go talk to him. I need to just grow a pair and talk to Jon about it too but still don't think I can unless for some reason he brings it up.
To whomever might be reading this, I know you're probably curious as to what I'm talking about. If you want to ask, go ahead and ask me what I'm talking about because I won't mind because I'm a curious person myself and would want to know if I were you. Just don't expect for me to actually tell you because there are a very select few people who I will actually talk to this about. As of this moment, the friend I mentioned earlier is the only person that I've actually talked to about this. Just don't be hurt when I tell you I don't want to talk to you about it.
